Friendship is a beautiful thing. Meaningful, heart-to-heart friendships influence us greatly and bring stability into our lives, especially if they are grounded in Christ. True friends encourage us when we’re hurting or discouraged, and they rebuke us when we sin, yet they always care for us.
Building relationships is hard. It takes a lot of time to build meaningful friendships. What is the purpose of friendship? Why would we build friendships with people who are not the same as us in personality, in culture, in position of life, or in other ways? God has called us to love our sisters in Christ, to desire for each other to be perfected in our Christian lives—a desire that responds with encouragement, caring, and humility. How can we build such relationships?
Security in Christ
Before we can have properly meaningful relationships, we need to find our security in Christ. Someone who is not secure in Christ will be looking for security somewhere else. A person who is not secure in Jesus is insecure and insecurity damages relationships. It creates a vicious cycle. Sister A is not secure, so she says things to try to gain security in the people around her. She says things that hurt Sister B, then Sister B feels that Sister A doesn’t like her, so she retreats into the background. Sister A thinks that Sister B is aloof and doesn’t want to be her friend.
How do we become secure in Christ? We need to realize that people can’t be our complete satisfaction. God created us to have a relationship with Him. Unless we have that relationship, we will not be completely satisfied. Communication is one of the most important ways to have a relationship. The more time we spend talking with God through prayer and Him talking to us through His Word and His Spirit, the closer we will be to Him.
God’s original plan for us was that we would glorify Him and please Him. We were made for His pleasure. When we are committed to pleasing God, we will be secure. We don’t need to try to keep up with ever-changing peer pressures. We go by what God wants. In fact, peer pressure is caused in the first place when people are not secure in Christ.
Another part of finding our satisfaction in Jesus is to be secure in His love. As born-again Christians we don’t need to fear that He will stop loving us if we stumble and fall. Rather it is His goodness that brings us to repentance and thus back into right relationship with Him again. (Romans 2:4) Other people’s love for us will wax and wane, but Christ’s love is ever steady.
Before we can be completely secure in Christ, we will need to be completely surrendered to Him. Self needs to die. Then our life must be hidden in God. Once again, the focus is on what God wants. Selfishness is the greatest cause of insecurity. We are trying to satisfy self. In a selfish relationship, our focus is on how much the other person loves us. Dying to self is the most important part of building and enjoying fulfilling relationships.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.
Ways to Build Fulfilling Relationships
Again, the most important aspect of meaningful relationships is death to self—not a focus on how much others love me, but a desire to edify our friends. Indeed, the more selfless we are, the more loved and trusted we will become.
We Can’t Give What We Don’t Have
When we are dead to self and our focus is on being there for others, on encouraging them spiritually, we need to make sure we have something to offer them. When Christ is in us, we can be truly selfless; this is the only way we have anything to offer to our friends. Christ gives us His compassion to share with others. He gives us the healing words and the burden to pray. He gives us the ability to cry and to rejoice with our friends. He helps us to do this even when we feel a need to be encouraged ourselves. However, the only way for God to work through us to edify our friends is for us to have our security in Him. We must have that relationship and communication. We must be empty of self and full of Him.
Don’t Be Easily Offended
There are many ways we can become offended.
Have you ever been with several other girls? One says something to the other that is obviously something shared just between those two. Then they laugh about it, and you have this little (or big) left out feeling. You could become offended by that.
Another way to become offended is by words. Some people simply talk too much and end up saying things that are hurtful. Others are insecure and say things to try to build up themselves and are offensive or unkind to those around them.
However, becoming offended is not a good response. When we are offended, we do things that damage friendships. We say hurtful things. We retreat and don’t even try to make friends. One offended person will cause more offended people by his reactions, whether it’s by withdrawing or by saying unkind words.
The more secure in Christ and selfless we are, the less likely we will be offended. Before becoming offended, consider why the person said or did what they did. Most times people are not intentionally trying to hurt us. Check to see if it is an opportunity to show compassion to a hurting or lonely soul. Laugh with (but not at) your friends, even if you feel defensive or hurt at what they say. Always be kind, no matter what they do. Always make sure they know you care about them. And last, but certainly not least, forgive.
Be Sensitive
Maybe this seems opposite of the last point, but in many ways, sensitivity goes along with not being easily offended. Again, consider why someone might have said or done something. Notice your friends’ actions.
If you notice someone withdrawing, make an extra effort to reach out to them. Some people are shy and quiet and tend to be overrun by the more talkative people. In that case, especially if you are one of the talkative people, make sure they are included. Ask them questions, and then make sure they have enough time to answer. Don’t run over them with your words. Be sincerely interested in what they have to say.
Maybe you know someone who is edgy. They often say negative things about other people, or they are just negative in general. In these situations, it is good to be very sensitive, even though we might feel like being frustrated. Many times, people are like this because they are insecure, because they have had difficult circumstances, or even because they simply think they have unfortunate circumstances. There are probably more reasons, but these are crucial times that people need a caring friend. If someone is struggling with bitterness, being uncaring or frustrated toward them will only make it worse. We need to be very empty of self and very full of God to be truly caring towards these friends.
There are many scenarios in which to be sensitive. Sometimes a friend needs an encouragement, and sometimes they need a rebuke. And knowing which is the correct one can be difficult. Ask God to help you be sensitive.
Lord, give me eyes
That I may see,
Lest I, as people will,
pass by someone’s Calvary
and think it just a hill.
— Author unknown
Consider Culture
In many ways this goes along with the last point. Every culture has their own ways of doing and saying things, yet many of them aren’t wrong. Sometimes understanding is lost between cultures, even in similar-but-not-quite-the-same cultures. We need to be sensitive to what people say. Maybe we don’t understand it. Maybe there seem to be better ways. Maybe it doesn’t even seem right. This is why it is important to build relationships where we share with each other. As we share, we will learn to understand each other and the reasons we do and say some things.
Don’t refrain from building friendships with those from other cultures! Certainly, it is much easier to make friends with those who understand you, and much more difficult to make them when you don’t connect in so many ways. However, building relationship with those from different cultures can be very meaningful. We will be able to see things from different and refreshing perspectives. We might learn how to be more understanding of others. We will certainly be able to be more understanding of each other. It will also help us to know how to pray for each other in our weak areas.
There is always one way to connect above all other ways: We are sisters in Christ. We have Christ’s love that we can show to each other. We need to always strive to make this connection. It will help us in the areas we don’t connect in so easily.
Pray for Each Other
Praying for our friends will do many positive things. It will cause God to work in their lives. It will cultivate in us a caring attitude toward our friends. When a friend has a weak area, pray about it instead of talking to others about it or instead of becoming frustrated about it.
We can bless our friends by praying for them! We can pray that God would give them victory over sin; that He would heal them when they hurt; that He would give them wisdom when they have hard decisions to make; that they would draw closer to Him and not to the world.
We should also pray for our relationships with our friends and with those who are not yet our friends. Maybe we don’t know how to build relationships, or we need courage to say the right words, or we know we are too full of self. Ask God for wisdom, for courage, and for His love.
Find the Balance in Encouragement and Rebuke
There is a time for rebuking our friend. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6). Notice it says “friend.” Most of the time we should be a friend to someone before we rebuke them. The closer our relationships, the more positive the impact of rebuke is in our lives. But we must always be caring; always be kind. Make sure your friend knows that you only have her good in mind.
Conclusion
I did not write this because I feel I am good at relationships. Far from it. In fact, I hardly feel qualified to write it, but God has been showing me what a beautiful thing friendship is! And how much hurt and loneliness and misunderstanding are caused by lack of it.
Let’s be daughters of God: dead to self but filled with His love and care that flows out to our sisters in Christ.
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