“I wish I could ask other sisters at church advice on things I face with my teenage girls. But I’m scared to open my heart to the sisters here anymore; it doesn’t feel safe…” Veronica’s voice trailed off wistfully.
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Washing and cooking for a dozen relief workers was strenuous work for Edna. And now newly-married Fonda, whom she had expected to help with the work, spent most of the day in her room. She appeared for meals, gingerly picked at the food, and scraped unwanted items onto her husband’s plate. The young couple took frequent jaunts down the street, where they purchased snacks at the corner convenience store.
I sympathized as Edna vented her frustration. “Are you sure Fonda doesn’t have morning sickness?” I wondered.
“No, from something she said, I’m sure it’s not that.”
Months later I met Edna again. “Did you hear that Fonda is expecting?” she asked. “I feel bad for the attitudes I had toward her while they lived with us. But why didn’t she tell me? I would gladly have tried to cook to please her, and it sure would have helped my attitudes.”
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“God bless you!” Ruth greeted teacher Serena. “How are you doing?”
Serena shrugged and with a giggle replied, “Oh, just fine, I guess!”
After more small talk, Ruth plunged ahead. “This is not a big deal, but a few of us moms were wondering if you could give something other than candy for rewards in school. Between visitors, friends, and school, our children have been getting so much candy lately…”
“Sure, I’ll try to change that,” Serena promised. Another sister tapping on Ruth’s shoulder ended the conversation.
Several minutes later Ruth was shocked to see Serena wiping tears. Moving over, she slipped an arm around her and whispered, “Is it because of what I said?”
“Not really,” replied Serena. “It’s just that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed recently, and now this…”
Ruth’s mind swam. So why did she say she’s just fine when I asked? How do I know what she’s going through or when the right time is to share something if she’s always “just fine”?
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All of us want to be “just fine.” But most of us simply aren’t. At least, not all the time. And that, my sisters, is just fine. Weakness is not shameful. Burn-out and morning sickness are not meant to be faced alone. Everyone needs advice and encouragement, not only the weak or the young in the faith. Yet we each bumble along under our heavy shell, scared to stick out our head and reveal our weakness.
Perhaps we think revealing weakness will be a discouragement to the brethren and a bad testimony to unbelievers. After all, isn’t our weakness a lack of availing ourselves of God’s grace? So, we spin our wheels harder and stuff those weaknesses further back under our “just fine” shell.
Is our veneer a blessing or a hindrance? I have been grappling with this question as I compare our fear of transparency with comments I’ve heard made by friends from a non-plain background.
- “We all have weaknesses, and we won’t find help until we let them be seen, but some folks just seem so perfect, so angelic, that I’m uncomfortable around them.”
- “Sister, please don’t be offended, but the life you live is too sublime. I lack so much. I feel I’ll need to change drastically before you’ll be comfortable with people like us. I admire you so much, but as I see my own needs I feel intimidated around you. We’d like to come visit again, but I’m afraid our children will misbehave, and you will be uncomfortable with us…”
How can we live lives of transparency?
I’ll share a few Scriptures I found while searching for answers.
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. -James 5:16a
It is a command, not a suggestion. Confess… Your… Faults… But what will people think? Victory and healing often cannot be found until we surrender to this command.
“May I share some of our recent marriage bumps in my sermon about marriage tomorrow?” my minister husband asked. “Folks may as well know we’re human.” God was testing my transparency, and it didn’t feel good. “Well, um, I guess.”
Pray one for another. Humility is the key here. Are we transparent with God and with our husbands about our struggles? Are we humble enough to be honest in our prayer group or one-on-one with a sister, sharing our struggle and asking for prayer? I have missed blessings by being too proud to share or considering my problem too insignificant with which to bother others.
Our enemy offers cover behind the wall of insecurity and comparison. He provides a faultless, impenetrable helmet for those times we lift our head above the wall to take a quick peek at our sisters. Two of his favorite shields are labeled “Fear” and “They won’t understand.” We gaze enviously at those happy sisters who bless others and are blessed in turn. They must have never been hurt like we have.
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous. -1 Peter 3:8
How can we “be of one mind” if we haven’t a clue what is in our sister’s mind? Is there a sister you simply can’t connect with? Try spending more time with her. Be compassionate, but not nosy. For the quiet, withdrawn sister, ask questions such as “What was the best part of your week?” or “I’m out of menu ideas. What are you cooking these days?” These will be more productive than “How are you?”
“Having compassion” is a result of God’s love in our hearts and is a must to build trust and transparency. We cannot give what we do not possess. If our hearts are void of compassion toward certain sisters, let’s go to the Source of love (our Lord) and pray for them. Amazing changes happen when we pray; mostly in our own hearts and attitudes. Praying helps us view our sisters through love-tinted lenses instead of the magnifying glass.
“Be pitiful.” My Spanish Bible says merciful. Only as we realize how undeserving we are of God’s grace to us can we in turn extend it to other sisters. Those who have been forgiven much, love much. -See Luke 7:37. Those who have been forgiven much will not run in horror when a sister begins to open up a can of worms.
Our enemy forms calloused hearts and sensitive skin; God creates sensitive hearts, but sturdy skin. Ladies often need to unload to get things off their chest. Let us give each other that privilege, and just listen. I thank God for sisters to whom I can unload, ones who listen to my complaints without taking me too seriously.
“Be courteous.” One definition of courteous is “marked by respect for, and consideration of, others.” I may not understand Fanny’s health obsession, Lucy’s fear of strangers, or Amy’s passion for writing. That’s fine. Those who view differences as something delightful will learn from each other and become beautifully balanced.
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With whom should we be transparent?
Modern technology offers many aids in communication. I fear it has facilitated communication with those from afar, and hindered communication with those nearest us.
When grieved with my lot in life, when persevering through morning sickness, when feeling overworked and underpaid, it is much easier to pour out my woes to a sister from across the continent than to my sister who is my neighbor. I am not saying that is always bad.
Pouring out to neighbor ‘Sue’ is scary. We want to be brave and pull our share of the load; we don’t want to be a complainer. If Sue knew we had company every day this week, she might send food over, then we’d feel foolish. If Sue tells her husband about a struggle or opinion I shared, he may come trotting to my husband with concerns. Ouch. The carnal response is to go by feelings and promise ourselves that, “I’m never telling anyone anything anymore!”
So, we unload our grievances to ‘Alice’ from afar. She sympathizes and promises her prayers. But she is at a disadvantage, especially when she is a stranger we mainly know through written communication. Alice does not know my besetting sins, nor what a wretch I was in the situation I’m reporting to her.
Sharing with Alice is not always wrong. At times those removed from our situation can give advice we desperately need, specifically those true friends who not only pat us on the back but also mete out stripes. But if the sisters we feel closest to are those from afar, beware.
Concerns shared by local sisters should hold more weight than condolences from sisters afar. Anyone can pat us on the back. But if we desire to see our blind spots, we need insights from local sisters who know us best.
Though phones and e-mail were non-existent in Bible times, perhaps this danger is older than we think, for the proverb writer advises, …better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off. -Proverbs 27:10 Being open and transparent with neighbor Sue is scary; it even hurts a lot at times. But close, unfeigned friendships with our local sisters are worth the price.
Are there times it is best to not share what’s on our heart?
Yes. Transparency is not speaking all we know to all we meet. Prudence is cautious about what is shared, and with whom. God’s Spirit can help us discern when keeping our mouth shut is prudence, and when it’s plain old pride.
Extra care is in order, when our heart is not in order. Opening our mouth when harboring a root of bitterness can transplant the toxic root to others’ hearts.
Yet all of us face struggles we can share. When visiting with a young girl, share something you remember from when you were her age. Tell about your mistakes, even those that will make her laugh. Is a sister struggling with child training? Instead of loading her down with advice, share something positive you see in her mothering.
Transparency. Communication. So lovely; so difficult. So much potential for helping or hurting. Take off your helmet, sister. Stick your head out from under your shell. Soften your heart. Toughen your skin. It’s dangerous, I know. But it’s the only way to meaningful relationships. So, “How are you, sister?” It is just fine, if you answer “just fine”, …if that is true. If not, please say otherwise.
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